The Philadelphia Eagles will win the Super Bowl this year. No, hear me out!

2015 has been a bat-shit crazy year so far. Terrorism and violence still have their reigns on the media's attention. We (the U.S.) started talking to Cuba and Iran again. Race relations are spinning out of the realms of common logic. Major religions still wrongfully feel the need to make other people eat what they eat. And fucking Donald Trump thinks he is actually qualified to run for president...which seems tame in comparison to another Bush or Clinton in the White House. (America needs to stop endorsing the whole dynasty-practice across the board, but that's an entirely different rant.)

I've never been one to put any stock into astrology, but I'm told it has something to do with Mercury. I mean, we DO all originate from the same focal point in existence...all of our particles are at least connected in that sense. The moon affects the ebb and flow of the tides, right? It also affects human nature from a statistical standpoint. Full moons cause a slight rise in the Earth's core temperature, which consistently parallels with violent crime rates. By that logical trajectory, it wouldn't be insane to think Mercury's position at a given point in time couldn't affect some kind of radiological phenomena which could also influence our planet, resulting in people losing their damn minds.

Or voodoo. Maybe it's voodoo. I don't know...I probably should have backed some of this up with research, but remember, I'm ultimately talking about football here. Even zanier, I'm talking about the Philadelphia Eagles winning the Super Bowl. 

(It's at this point that I need to remind everyone that if you call any of my bluffs, I can blame it on this blog being comedic and/or satirical at times. Check out some of the other dumb "articles" I've posted...I have plenty of outs here. Suck it.)

Back to bleeding Green...

Last year, we straight-up cut Desean Jackson...which I was cool with. I just don't like that guy. Throw stats at me all you want, I don't like who he is as a person. My point is, we dropped his ass like a bad girlfriend and the city erupted...and that was with just one major guy involved in the fray.

This year, the offseason has been absolutely bananas for the birds. Our still relatively new coach has made numerous dynamic shifts in the star-power of our team. He's uprooted a lot old favorites and completely remolded our team. He traded our fan-favorite star running back for a linebacker. Then when everyone was about to hang him, he brought in the league's #1 running back from our division rival, and snaked another starting RB as his backup (all while keeping my personal hero Darren Sproles in the mix). Then he traded the quarterback that's been groomed for the position for the past few years for another starting QB with tons of injury-prone talent.

Here's the thing: I like all of it. Is it scary? Fuck yeah it is. It makes me nervous as hell when our team's been nipping at heels for the better part of a cumulative decade. But change is usually pretty scary...and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. So yeah, I dig it, I dig all of it. Shake it all up, I want a damn ring in this city!

(Side note: after watching the preseason demonstrations, all of this actually seems to be panning out at a glance. Of course, it's preseason, but I liked what I saw from all three sides of the ball.)

I'm saying all of that to say this.

With all of the crazy events going on in the world and all of the crazy shit going on in football (yeah I'm stretching that far), I think the perfect storm is brewing for the Eagles to finally shed their almost-there, runner-up mentality and finally dominate at the same level of our city's already existing bravado. It's time for Rocky to become the champ! It's time for Vinny P. to make the squad! It's time for my goddamn Eagles to stick it to the rest of the league with our well known middle fingers defiantly in the air!!!

Hell, even the friggin pope is visiting here in a few weeks. Here! Killadelphia, the city of brotherly love will host the pope and a ton of world leaders right here this year; causing most of the city/tri-state area to re-route their entire lives for whatever bullshit they want to screw us all over for this time.

I told ya, man...2015 is weird.

E! A! G! L! E! S!

EAGLES!!!!!!

Well...

I was discussing a joke with a buddy of mine, when an example of how social-media can make you sound crazy came about.

So, I saw a thing this one time and it was funny. (That's all these stories ever boil down to anyway, but who gives a shit, right?) 

It was funny, so I laughed and replied... a few times... adding what I thought were casual and light little bonuses during this particular stream of consciousness.

......

How you perceive your own demeanor in a textual environment may not always (if ever) reflect with complete accuracy.

There is a thin line between humor and psychosis. It blurs easily. In this case, shitty punctuation during an inebriated bombardment can make you appear like two cats trapped in a wet bag. I normally sound a little hyped-up regardless, but this was some hate, son. I'm talking stupid-crazy.

So, my buddy posted a thing that said something like, "Yo, I just found out there's cheat-codes for WiiFit, haha..."

...to which I reply,

"So uh...electronic steroids, right?!?! That's what I get to say next, isn't it?! Did I nail it?! 

Hey! Can this lead to a broader use of Norton Antivirus scans in fantasy sports?!

That could be spun into some funny shit, right?

Something Something blood-code...

Nah man, blood-code is only considered if that antivirus comes back with a positive.

Right? 

That's some bullshit a person can relate and/or sympathize with.

Ain't that some funny-ass shit?!?!"

...

My point is, I feel that ...in-person ...this entire rant would have a whole different aura to it.

For one, it's a monologue instead of an actual conversation. That's a shade of crazy in itself, but just don't worry about it. I'm only saying that I intended for more of a funny, yet vibrant explanation of this random happening....

....slightly less of an irate and jaded veteran shouting out dumb shit because he's drunk after work on September 11th.

All I'm really saying is... What if... If you were to send messages of a clandestine nature, in these days of impressively rampant technology, would there be pros or cons in transmitting messages only on historically significant calendar dates?

Like, if you established a system to only say some terrorist-type shit during holidays. N.S.T.R. any regular day of the week, just make sure to mention the holiday somewhere in the broadcast/text/email/whatever. That way, when it's swept (and it will be) by the authorities, it gets washed out in the queue. Go ahead, do some Control+F shit on somebody's emails then. Talk about a long day at the office. Smack in the middle of the week, too.

Get it?!

I'm talking about commercialism, dammit.

SIT UP FRONT AND PAY ATTENTION

Here'sthe deal...

As you all may or may not know, inaddition to haphazardly posting my "comedic wit" on thislittle site of our's, I'm also a freelance writer for THAT MAGhttp://www.thatmusicmag.com/based out of Killadelphia, the city of brotherly love....Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

(Which only kind of explains whyI've been so sporadic lately. Anyway...)

It's a pretty ecclectic gig, I won't lie. I've been covering everything from Jay-Z to Rusted Root,Switchfoot (....hey! Sometimes you have to make the donuts), and lastbut definitely not least, the East Coast Green and Black....thealmighty OVER KILL!!!

LOBO right in the action

Here'sthe links for the pieces:

OVER KILL- 4/20 at theTrochadero:
-http://www.thatmusicmag.com/index.php/2012/06/over-kill-4202012-trochadero-theater-philadelphia/

The Constant Evolution of RustedRoot:
-http://www.thatmusicmag.com/index.php/2012/03/rusted-root/

Jay Z- Made In America 2012:
-http://www.thatmusicmag.com/index.php/2012/05/made-in-america-2012/

Switchfoot- Outside of the Box:
-http://www.thatmusicmag.com/index.php/2012/06/switchfoot-outside-of-the-box/


Read them all...I worked my ass offputting them together (for the most part) ....and they all turned outgreat. The OVER KILL one especially. Definitely read that one if anyof them. Bobby Blitz is the MAN, photographer James Kelly contributedsome great shots for the piece (as did your's truly...hooray foriPhone photo credit), and it's a review for metalheads written by oneof the heaviest metalheads in history; Ryan Fuckin' Sullivan (ME).




So check them out. Support themagazine, support the SGI blog, like us facebook, twitter...all ofit. Make this little shindig part of your life. I'm coming at all ofyou from all directions. Saul Good will make you laugh and the stuffI'm doing for THAT MAG will broaden your musical perception (whetheryou like it or not).

Here'sa little checklist to help you all out:

-readSaul Good Inc's blogs...they're funny as hell....every damn syllable(by the way, it's comedy, not anal sex...don't take it so hard).

-LikeSGI on facebook http://www.facebook.com/?ref=tn_tnmn#!/SaulGoodInc

-FollowSGI on Twitter @Saul Good Inc, https://twitter.com/#!/SaulGoodInc

-checkout THAT MAG http://www.thatmusicmag.com/. In addition to my articles, there's also a ton of other great stuffto read on there. Stay in the loop with your community!

-LikeTHAT MAG on facebookhttp://www.facebook.com/?ref=tn_tnmn#!/thatmusicmag

-FollowTHAT MAG on Twitterhttps://twitter.com/intent/user?screen_name=THATMUSICMAG

-Then pat yourself on the back for a job well-done. Don't worry...thedividends are coming.

As always, we'll work to keepposting some randomly dark humor for you to enjoy and pee yourselvesto. There's a bunch of ideas in the works....schedules are just alittle haywire (as always). I'm being serious though. Frequent all ofthis stuff. Like it and follow it, tell all of your friends and makethem like and follow it as well. The more the merrier. It's good for yoursoul. Plus, the more of you that pay attention, the more we canjustify telling the real world to "Fuck Off" and continueto provide you all with the things you know and love. Nothing happensby accident, haha.

Isincerely hope you all enjoy everything I'm throwing at you. It's alot, I know. But I bust my ass supporting everyone I know witheverything they do...so I'm calling in your tabs. I don't want yourmoney...I want those little clicks on your computers and smartphonesand sundials. Make it happen, Cap'n!

Respectfully.

RyanSullivan

LOBO

SaulGood Incorporated

...Get Fucked.

Get Blitzed You Bunch of Micks

There's another made-up excuse to drink coming up soon. I don't know what St. Patrick's day is about...and it apparently affects my life in no real way whatsoever....so it's made-up. The only way I'm ever aware of this particular event is because shit just starts turning green all over the place. You end up saying to yourself, "Oh shit, yeah, it IS March. I'm probably about to get pretty hammered real soon. I'd better start calling people."

Hi, my name is Ryan Sullivan.... Anyway, Irish as hell, right? I think "Ryan" means something in Irish (ha!..."in Irish" he says), but it sounds like it does anyway; same deal with "Sullivan" too (and there's a ton of those people by the way). Regardless, I look pretty damn Italian. I also talk like a black, surfer, thug/asshole and I have little to no sense of my family's history. It's not a me-thing. My family gets along, but we barely care where we all came from. Work, go to bed, who gives a shit, right? I'm saying all of that to say this: I'm not sure I could care any less about my ethnic makeup.

As far as my friends are concerned, I have a vague idea of some of their ethnicities... I suppose. You can only really tell anymore because their pretend-holidays are different. It doesn't really matter though because "Everybody is Irish on St. Patty's Day". The running joke being that the Irish are drunks. So if everybody parties up, we can all have headaches tomorrow morning. It's either a genius plot or completely retarded.

I love the headaches, by the way. It's a dumb holiday, but everyone does get tuned up for it...just like every other fake reason out there. It all boils down to finding excuses to drink socially I guess. Maybe not Ramadan, but that's their own fault. I just love seeing everybody get wrecked for no real reason but acting like it's supposed to happen anyway.

(Note: Before I get called racist, I've gotten drunk with my fair share of muslims in actual muslim countries. Fun fact...go around the world a few times and you eventually realize everybody happens to be the same kinds of shitty regardless of geographic proximity.)

I'm not knocking it. Well, I am, but I get hammered every year anyway. I guess that makes me a hypocrite. Whatever. At least I'm Irish.

While I'm at it, birthdays too. What? You didn't die another year? You did what every other human being does until they don't do it anymore? Good job, asshole. Get better at something a little more worthwhile.

Happy Valentine's Day. Love, Lobo

Ok, it's been a while since there has been any activity on here...and that's our fault. I don't need to tell you that things can get pretty crazy. We're working on it.

That being said, in the spirit of yet another ridiculous holiday, I managed to find something I could throw up here with relative ease. Despite my attitude towards the holiday itself....I'm rooting for everyone to get laid tonight. So in this best way possible....Get Fucked.

A little background on this one....being broke sucks. I also have a gun. Needless to say, it has crossed my mind more than a few times to go on my own little crime-spree; just start taking what people have so that I am then the one who has it. Honorable? No. Possible? No comment.

Let me be perfectly clear; I'm not your average sociopath. That being said, here's a little bit o' ME I'm gonna share with you right quick....I don't give a single fuck about you. I don't. I-I just don't. I'm not a monster...it's just that there is only a select group of people (we'll say in the honest range of about 30-40 total) that I actually give a shit about. It'll range from actually answering the phone when they call to taking a bullet, but they're my people...and even that small circle is shrinking rapidly. It's safe to say, unless there's something beneficial about you breathing the same air as me, you probably look like an ATM to me. I will take your shit.

I want you to keep all of that in mind while I describe how this mentality can be the little seed necessary to make true love blossom.

A little while back, a good friend of mine tells me that he hears of this girl who has a crush on him. This girl is known to sell...things. Immediately, my brain started cranking around dollar signs. The first question I ask my buddy was, "So uh, Sugar-momma or D-bo?"

Then I had a spark of inspiration...why not both?

In case you're missing out, I wanted to know if he planned on latching onto this girl and living the easy life for a while, or if he wanted to rob her blind.

So, Plan-C, right? Hear me out, because I think I may be an evil genius over here. We go and get this girl for what she's got (not trying ruin her life...but a financial step back nonetheless). Then my comrade gains the rare privelege to swoop in and pretend that he will be her rock during this emotional and trying time. Bottom line: we get paid and she gains a sense of security in the arms of her romantic interest.

It's actually a victimless crime (unless you count the horrible pretenses presented to this girl). It really does seem to work out. Forget for a second that the entire relationship is built on one extremely dark secret and is doomed to fail. If my buddy can keep up the lie and take it to the grave, our finances get some flow and she gets a new man. Everybody goes home happy.

I'm just saying that it's a good idea; that's all.

 ....and you thought chocolate was thoughtful.

A Small Victory; Four Terrible Examples

First and foremost, I'd like to wish the lot of you the very warmest of holiday greetings. I hope your Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza and New Years were all satisfying. Thanks again for the continued support. I guess now is the prudent time to mention that even though my past two statements of regards for your holidays came across as very nice, I still fester with ooze at the majority of most people. Those holiday sentiments were very honest, but only to a certain audience - our followers, so please don't get the idea of that I'm going soft on humanity. Just feel honored that you get my little shreds of love, as opposed to my over-surplus of disdain.
Things are going okay. I'm at that point where I need to take my next step. My fun hobbies of playing music, writing jokes, partying violently, and spending freely have only gotten me so far in life. I'm officially done school and I literally don't want to do anything other than support myself and my hobbies, so I guess the next step is applying to jobs. The college degree looks good, but the criminal record doesn't help my chances when applying to be some hateful office drone (which I have no problem whatsoever doing for the rest of my life). It makes me think - wouldn't it be awesome to have a job that hopes its applicants have a criminal record? I'm not even talking about applying to be Coke Mule for the Torquato Cosa Nostra Family in Western Pennsylvania; I mean something legit. Just imagine.... "Well, it says here that you graduated from Rutgers University with a Bachelor's in History, but we here at Jewsenberg's Law Firm are looking for potential Attorneys that have at least two misdemeanor charges." "Well sir, I have three, and I've spent small stints in prison for repeat drug offenses." "...Say no more. You've got the job. Hell, you've got MY job. You start immediately. Here's $50,000,000." Unfortunately, life isn't that sweet.
In keeping with my themes of doom & gloom, I'd like to construct a small list in no particular order on four human reasons why this current world we live in isn't the place that it should be. Why life isn't that sweet, as it were.

1. TYLER PERRY
One of the reasons why LOBO and I are such good friends is because we often agree on similar issues. This is no different with Tyler Perry. Aside from the stereo-typical content for a particular Demographic of African-American audiences (not all Black people support this asshole), Tyler Perry rapes his own product by appearing in advertisements and previews for every aborted fetus he releases to the public. It reminds me of Bad Boy Entertainment in the mid-90's. Puff Daddy was all over his artists' music videos and even on the records themselves. After Notorious B.I.G. died (still on the shelf about Puffy's role in that), Mr. Daddy went on to sell millions of records with his own unique brand of the worst rap music I have ever heard in my life. Tyler Perry mirrors Puff Daddy in the sense that he just doesn't know when to go the fuck away. It doesn't help that his movies and TV shows commit felony rape to the viewer.

2. Maroon 5
I refuse to even post a photo of these guys. Although in some sense talented musicians, Maroon 5 has spent the past decade getting girls wet and making frat boys dance with uninteresting, abysmal music. I am unabashedly a lover of music and will give me honest opinion on anything. I did this with Maroon 5, and I immediately concluded that this was something I could never get behind. Now, on the cusp of 2012, Maroon 5 is one of the biggest bands in the world. I used to ask myself "How the fuck does stuff like this happen?"; but I know why. We let it happen.

3. Occupy Protestors
On paper and in the developmental weeks, the idea of a nonviolent collective camping out on WALL STREET and protesting against national debt, jobs, and Federal Government was pretty cool and interesting. The fact that this has gained momentum across the country is quite upsetting. There are trendy hipsters occupying Salt Lake City, Cleveland, St. Paul, Jacksonville, Santa Fe, Olympia, Boise, Philadelphia, and everywhere else. I have a message for people who feel the need to protest but aren't in New York City or Washington DC : write a letter or gather a petition and mail it to your respective member of General Assembly. Wall Street and DC are cool; anywhere else is just tacky, trendy, and unnecessary. If I lived in Toldeo, Ohio and I couldn't get to my job at the factory because a bunch of assholes are protesting that Toldeo's LEED-certified environmental program isn't Green enough, I would probably rape everyone I see while sobbing blood. Leave it to the big cities. Stop being an asshole.



Rosie O'Donnell
I'm going to take the high road on this one and not talk about it. If you know me, you're well aware of my hatred for her. I've spent at least 2 decades hating this woman. She is far and away one of the worst people that has ever lived. The day she dies from a massive heart attack, I will dine with her...in Hell.

Hope you all enjoyed this installment of SGI!!!
Be sure to follow the blog, "Like" us on Facebook www.facebook.com/saulgoodinc
@saulgoodinc on Twitter
It's only gonna get better. Here's to a good 2012.

Yours,
YAYO

You Are All Racists

I've noticed that black and hispanic comedians are always portraying white dudes as geeks. Uncool, funny-talkin', stiff-walkin' geeks. With their nerd-ass voice impressions like we all just give up lunch money to anyone with some ethnicity. Look at me, alright? I'm basically as white as it gets. I'm two shades up from clear...maybe three when you average out the tattoos. But seriously, I am a motherfuckin cracker.

(Which, by the way, is a dumb and shitty slur to begin with. Really? That's the best you got? Try again with your bitch-ass. Maybe something like world-raper...because that's what white people have been known to do throughout history. Trust me, I'm not happy about it either...but that's what's been going down until recent generations.)

But seriously, as white as I am...do I sound/look like a fuckin' nerd to you? I dare any of you unoriginal racists to be a little more creative. Yeah, I said racists. It's like people forgot that shit works both ways. Listen, if you are any color and you make fun of white people...it's viewed as funny. If you're white and you throw a race joke around...you're automatically in the klan.

There was actually a guy who wanted to make a scholarship for white kids to get educated...and they chastised him. The media labelled him as a racist. However, there are historically black colleges and affirmative action and all of that other crazy bigotry going on. That's bullshit, coach.

I am not a racist...my crew looks like a goddamn rainbow. That being said, I can assure you that my shit will get construed the wrong way by some tyler perry mothafucker looking to bring up some old shit. Let me tell you something...all those hardships that were atrocities to humanity...y'all didn't experience any of that. We're in a new millennium, people. Stop bringing up shit you had nothing to do with and earn your keep. I fought in a goddamn war to pay for what little college I have under my belt. The least you can do is let everybody get judged by the same standards and practices. I swear, you are all a bunch of morons.

...And by the way, I hope somebody comes up to me thinking all white people are scared little nerds. You will figure out quick, fast, and in a hurry that this little cracker will shoot and/or stab you in the face quicker than any spic, nigger, chink, or camel-jockey can even fathom. Wanna know why? It's because personality traits are not limited by the color of your skin. Please...try and say I'm wrong about anything I just said. I guarantee you will either walk away feeling stupider...or get carted away feeling bloodier.

@Kyle Grooms

@Tyler Perry

@Carlos Mencia

@George Lopez

...and many more that I can't think of at the moment. Yeah, I know it's all jokes...and I can respect that. However, I'm also allowed to think you suck at what you do.

 

Sincerely,

Ryan Sullivan

 

...Get Fucked.