This isn't normally my style, but it is too. As Mr. Tonezilla already said, this was supposed to be a collaboration dealy, but then we ended up not doing that. So, here's my half of this....
These are a few of my favorite things-
10) Pussy: As much as it pains me to admit it, it's no secret that pussy is...well it's just great. I don't even mean any one thing in specific. Just about every aspect of it makes my day. It isn't fair, but what in this world really is? Regardless, that stuff is awesome. Keep up the good work, ladies.
9) Porn: Not only can porn be utterly hilarious at times (Super Hornio Bros., Edward Penishands), but it keeps pussy in check. Sometimes you ladies get a little too complacent. You all tend to forget that after I bless you with the holy water, unless you want another shot at the title, I am no longer obligated to tolerate bullshit. Not only does porn get the job done more efficiently; but it saves time, money, and patience. If women weren't so feeble-minded about sex in the first place, porn would be useless. Yet here it is at #9.
-A therapist would say that I have a problem with women, but I actually do alright. Who knew?
8) Being James Bond: Unfortunately (or thankfully), this isn't for any untrained moron. However, if you can handle your business, it's rewarding as hell. I'm not saying work for any kind of bullshit government agency (yeah, it helps with all of those little legal quirks such as...laws...but fuck that). Act outside of the law. Get in a gunfight, rob somebody, lie to people, careen down the highway like a goddamn Hollywood chase scene; just live like you have all the answers....and back it up. Constantly shoot the gaps whenever you see them. Rockstars never die...except when they do....but nobody tells stories about the decaying suburban wad working in a cubicle.
7) Gambling: There's a reason it's lucky number seven. Gambling is awesome. Stamp it.
-I feel more words should exist here, but damned if I didn't sum it up perfectly.
6) Random Bouts of Decadence and/or Violence: Ever have one of those nights that can be tracked by large amounts of red pins on a 70's-era montage-map? Nights filled with bar-fights, booze, smoke, strippers, trashed hotel rooms and sporadic gunfire. Nights where you fought the law...and left it in a ditch somewhere. The real American dream.
(See "James Bond".... just sloppier and way less calculated.)
5) Fighting: Whether you are teaching someone a lesson or just enjoying a free show, people fighting are hilarious every time. Once you reach a certain age, brawls become idiotic and a little sad (according to most social norms). However, shit happens. There are people in every day of your life that seem to wear signs around their necks begging to benefit from a solid fucking-up. You are only cheating yourself if you do not oblige them.
4) Booze and Weed: I have these little miracles combined so I don't have to choose which one I like the best. I drink like a fish, smoke like a chimney....and so should you.
4(a)- Dropping E-bombs and riding on roller coasters. Seriously, to hell with sex, roller coasters are what that particular drug is made for. Finish reading this shit later...go find some E and rush to your nearest amusement park. You'll see what I mean.
3) Heavy Metal Music: It can inspire every other thing on this list. Talent, aggresion, sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll. It's the soundtrack to everything fun in life. I would like to see large groups of people lose their fucking minds to coldplay or yanni. Not a chance. Even crappy metal bands are better than 90% of today's pop music. Fact.
2) Guns: They aren't for frivolous use, or they can be (up to personal preference I suppose). Either way, I'll be goddamned if anyone tries to catch me sleeping. I'd always rather just beat the life out you with my bare hands, but if you decide to pull a weapon, I will leave you where you where I see you. With the quickness. Also, if life turns shitty, you at least have options with a gun. Out of money? Not when your backup plan is a gun. Get creative.
1) Me: Seriously. Aside from all of the manic-depression and overly self-destructive tendancies,.......the drinking, the smoking, short temper, total lack of patience and generally shitty attitude; I'm actually not a bad guy. Check it- Physically, I'm a good-lookin' dude. In-shape, athletic, nice hair and funny tattoos. I run like the wind and fuck like a beast. I'm fairly intelligent, though it's mostly based on my ridiculous amounts of experience and not my vast worldly knowledge (...although I do have a vast knowledge of the world).
I'm a musician, writer, combat veteran, and just an all-around fun person to be around. I feel that no one ever wants to give themselves the credit they have earned over the years because it sounds arrogant. Well, sometimes humility can be like lying to yourself. If you've done some cool shit, the only people that won't want to hear your stories are the haters that can't measure up. I like everything I'm about and you should too.
(Disclaimer: Does not apply to everyone. Some of you are just toolboxes. Know your role.)
Now here are some things I kind of hate-
10) Coke: Not the soda. I know I know....she's my favorite little white girl too, but only for the first half of the night. There's a fine line really. The first half of the night you're rockin' n rollin'. Just make sure you fuck who you're going to fuck in those first two quarters, because a totally different team comes out of the tunnel at halftime.
9) Reality TV: Cultural garbage. I'm a goddamn sociopath, but I at least have my self-respect intact. Is your life so horrible that you need to run out the clock on your wasted life by watching random strangers and their idiotic, on-purpose drama? They never even called me back about my audition tape.
8) Politicians: Every last one of 'em is just a crook that is good with loopholes. I offer no way to fix it yet...I just know they are just the scum of the Earth. Trust me, I'm working on it.
7) Good Bands Who Begin to Suck: Metallica comes to mind. Just horrible. I'm all for getting paid, please go on and get yours. But there are obvious limits. Shitty is shitty, and unfortunately, you hear music. (Not to only pick on Rockouttica, there are plenty of offenders)
6) Religion: My invisible man in the sky is cooler than yours. Seriously, I've done a ton of research into religion...but it all just boils down to that eventually. Religion = tomorrow's mythology. Take responsibility for your own bullshit.
5) Shitty Cops: They probably got beat up a lot in highschool, so they need to exercise authority behind a badge and a gun. If I fucked something up, by all means, let 5-0 beat the shit out of me; I probably deserved it. But if you're just having a shitty cop day, I will ruin you. I know ALL of my rights... and I'm kinda smart. You won't win. Which leads me to number 4...
4) Getting Caught: ...for anything really. Big score or small change, getting caught in the act is the absolute worst. Depending on the severity of the situation, you can range from simply embarrassed (haha, whoops!) to contemplating ways to change your life (I really need to get my shit together). Plus people always want to judge you. I get it, I fucked my plan up and got caught; just get to sentencing my ass already. If I hear one more syllable come out of your condescending mouth, there are going to be a few more charges floating around here.
3) Being Broke: I'm talking broooooke. Some people definitely have it worse, but they don't always give a shit. I'm at least trying to make my life work. That added give-a-shit dooms you to an anxiety that'll cripple your soul....because you still have to "maintain" in daily society like its all good. Fuck the homeless, help my ass.
2) Running Out of Bullets: I'm just saying, if you are in a situation where you actually run OUT of bullets....that means you really needed them. Best of luck to you, Macguyver.
1) My Generation: And from the looks of things, the next one too. Most of my peers and 99% of the people younger than me.....are complete morons. Government, music, drugs, mischief, attitude, beliefs....all on the wrong side of bitchmade. My pops is one of the hardest men I've met in my entire life...military drill-sergeants included. He and all of his friends raised me in their image to handle my own business...which is apparently contrary to how everyone else raised their kids. Long to short, people these days just suck crates of dick. Statistically, you probably suck too. I'm not wrong.
That's it, I'm done. I probably meant most of this from the very bottom of my cold, black heart....and balls.
-Sully
