A Small Victory; Four Terrible Examples

First and foremost, I'd like to wish the lot of you the very warmest of holiday greetings. I hope your Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza and New Years were all satisfying. Thanks again for the continued support. I guess now is the prudent time to mention that even though my past two statements of regards for your holidays came across as very nice, I still fester with ooze at the majority of most people. Those holiday sentiments were very honest, but only to a certain audience - our followers, so please don't get the idea of that I'm going soft on humanity. Just feel honored that you get my little shreds of love, as opposed to my over-surplus of disdain.
Things are going okay. I'm at that point where I need to take my next step. My fun hobbies of playing music, writing jokes, partying violently, and spending freely have only gotten me so far in life. I'm officially done school and I literally don't want to do anything other than support myself and my hobbies, so I guess the next step is applying to jobs. The college degree looks good, but the criminal record doesn't help my chances when applying to be some hateful office drone (which I have no problem whatsoever doing for the rest of my life). It makes me think - wouldn't it be awesome to have a job that hopes its applicants have a criminal record? I'm not even talking about applying to be Coke Mule for the Torquato Cosa Nostra Family in Western Pennsylvania; I mean something legit. Just imagine.... "Well, it says here that you graduated from Rutgers University with a Bachelor's in History, but we here at Jewsenberg's Law Firm are looking for potential Attorneys that have at least two misdemeanor charges." "Well sir, I have three, and I've spent small stints in prison for repeat drug offenses." "...Say no more. You've got the job. Hell, you've got MY job. You start immediately. Here's $50,000,000." Unfortunately, life isn't that sweet.
In keeping with my themes of doom & gloom, I'd like to construct a small list in no particular order on four human reasons why this current world we live in isn't the place that it should be. Why life isn't that sweet, as it were.

1. TYLER PERRY
One of the reasons why LOBO and I are such good friends is because we often agree on similar issues. This is no different with Tyler Perry. Aside from the stereo-typical content for a particular Demographic of African-American audiences (not all Black people support this asshole), Tyler Perry rapes his own product by appearing in advertisements and previews for every aborted fetus he releases to the public. It reminds me of Bad Boy Entertainment in the mid-90's. Puff Daddy was all over his artists' music videos and even on the records themselves. After Notorious B.I.G. died (still on the shelf about Puffy's role in that), Mr. Daddy went on to sell millions of records with his own unique brand of the worst rap music I have ever heard in my life. Tyler Perry mirrors Puff Daddy in the sense that he just doesn't know when to go the fuck away. It doesn't help that his movies and TV shows commit felony rape to the viewer.

2. Maroon 5
I refuse to even post a photo of these guys. Although in some sense talented musicians, Maroon 5 has spent the past decade getting girls wet and making frat boys dance with uninteresting, abysmal music. I am unabashedly a lover of music and will give me honest opinion on anything. I did this with Maroon 5, and I immediately concluded that this was something I could never get behind. Now, on the cusp of 2012, Maroon 5 is one of the biggest bands in the world. I used to ask myself "How the fuck does stuff like this happen?"; but I know why. We let it happen.

3. Occupy Protestors
On paper and in the developmental weeks, the idea of a nonviolent collective camping out on WALL STREET and protesting against national debt, jobs, and Federal Government was pretty cool and interesting. The fact that this has gained momentum across the country is quite upsetting. There are trendy hipsters occupying Salt Lake City, Cleveland, St. Paul, Jacksonville, Santa Fe, Olympia, Boise, Philadelphia, and everywhere else. I have a message for people who feel the need to protest but aren't in New York City or Washington DC : write a letter or gather a petition and mail it to your respective member of General Assembly. Wall Street and DC are cool; anywhere else is just tacky, trendy, and unnecessary. If I lived in Toldeo, Ohio and I couldn't get to my job at the factory because a bunch of assholes are protesting that Toldeo's LEED-certified environmental program isn't Green enough, I would probably rape everyone I see while sobbing blood. Leave it to the big cities. Stop being an asshole.



Rosie O'Donnell
I'm going to take the high road on this one and not talk about it. If you know me, you're well aware of my hatred for her. I've spent at least 2 decades hating this woman. She is far and away one of the worst people that has ever lived. The day she dies from a massive heart attack, I will dine with her...in Hell.

Hope you all enjoyed this installment of SGI!!!
Be sure to follow the blog, "Like" us on Facebook www.facebook.com/saulgoodinc
@saulgoodinc on Twitter
It's only gonna get better. Here's to a good 2012.

Yours,
YAYO

You Are All Racists

I've noticed that black and hispanic comedians are always portraying white dudes as geeks. Uncool, funny-talkin', stiff-walkin' geeks. With their nerd-ass voice impressions like we all just give up lunch money to anyone with some ethnicity. Look at me, alright? I'm basically as white as it gets. I'm two shades up from clear...maybe three when you average out the tattoos. But seriously, I am a motherfuckin cracker.

(Which, by the way, is a dumb and shitty slur to begin with. Really? That's the best you got? Try again with your bitch-ass. Maybe something like world-raper...because that's what white people have been known to do throughout history. Trust me, I'm not happy about it either...but that's what's been going down until recent generations.)

But seriously, as white as I am...do I sound/look like a fuckin' nerd to you? I dare any of you unoriginal racists to be a little more creative. Yeah, I said racists. It's like people forgot that shit works both ways. Listen, if you are any color and you make fun of white people...it's viewed as funny. If you're white and you throw a race joke around...you're automatically in the klan.

There was actually a guy who wanted to make a scholarship for white kids to get educated...and they chastised him. The media labelled him as a racist. However, there are historically black colleges and affirmative action and all of that other crazy bigotry going on. That's bullshit, coach.

I am not a racist...my crew looks like a goddamn rainbow. That being said, I can assure you that my shit will get construed the wrong way by some tyler perry mothafucker looking to bring up some old shit. Let me tell you something...all those hardships that were atrocities to humanity...y'all didn't experience any of that. We're in a new millennium, people. Stop bringing up shit you had nothing to do with and earn your keep. I fought in a goddamn war to pay for what little college I have under my belt. The least you can do is let everybody get judged by the same standards and practices. I swear, you are all a bunch of morons.

...And by the way, I hope somebody comes up to me thinking all white people are scared little nerds. You will figure out quick, fast, and in a hurry that this little cracker will shoot and/or stab you in the face quicker than any spic, nigger, chink, or camel-jockey can even fathom. Wanna know why? It's because personality traits are not limited by the color of your skin. Please...try and say I'm wrong about anything I just said. I guarantee you will either walk away feeling stupider...or get carted away feeling bloodier.

@Kyle Grooms

@Tyler Perry

@Carlos Mencia

@George Lopez

...and many more that I can't think of at the moment. Yeah, I know it's all jokes...and I can respect that. However, I'm also allowed to think you suck at what you do.

 

Sincerely,

Ryan Sullivan

 

...Get Fucked.

 

Short 'n' Sweet

Here's the thing: Regardless of the extremely abysmal amount of things I have to show for myself, I'm actually busy as fuck 24/7. I won't bore you with the details....mainly because I can't. My bad. Deal with it.

So long story short, here's a bunch of shit I want to get off my chest. Maybe I'll elaborate on a few at a later date...maybe I won't. Only time will tell.

Sit up front and pay attention:

- It takes an average of $18 to get a girl drunk...$36 to have her blow you in the bathroom.

- Wearing sneakers will cause you to do everything faster.

- It doesn't matter how often you pepper in the news or documentaries. TV makes you dumb and lazy.

- Cartoons have sucked since the late 90's.

- Reality TV is....well....it's just awful.

- (did anyone catch that?)

- You are allowed to be racist as long as you aren't white.

- Tyler Perry is racist.

- Tyler Perry is not funny.

- Somebody please stop Tyler Perry.

- If you have a washable deck of cards, you are in college, in the military, an alcoholic, or any combination of the three.

- If you happen to be all of the above three catagories at once, you will probably die before you turn 30.

- College students are morons.

- Cocaine really IS a helluva drug. Use in moderation...but it's safer to just stick to weed.

- Chicks never buy weed.

- Religion is a tool devised by human beings to exercise control over other human beings.

- Scientology was written by a guy who wrote science-fiction novels.

- Twitter is pointless. (but uh...please follow our twitter thingy)

- If a man actually collects knives as one of his hobbies, never challenge him to a knife-fight.

- Show me a man who is good at poker...and I'll show you a man who would fuck your wife.

- Lists are easier to digest than essays.

- The best soldiers in combat are hellions back in garrison.

- Ninjas, Vikings, Pirates, and Rockstars.

- Andrew Jackson was the gangsterest motherfucker to walk the planet.

- The smartest people in the world have been called crazy at least once in their lives.

- Smoking does not affect your ability to run unless you suck at being in shape to begin with.

- Anything worth doing is worth taking the time to do it right....unless it's meant to be funny or possibly life-threatening. Trust me on this one.

- Sex is meant to be fun.

- Bar fights are childish and stupid.

- Bar brawls make men into legends.

- Dogs are supposed to be background music....not wear little sweaters.

- Yelling at people gets a lot of shit accomplished if you do it correctly.

- We don't actually live in a democracy.

- The only thing that will actually change a society is violent revolution.

- I rarely research anything when I know I'm right.

- I don't actually know what I'm talking about....ever.

- When you go in reverse, things come from behind you.

"Please, as your friend, don't take any advice from me."

Get Fucked.

Inexcusable

Sullivan and I got really hype on this blog. I feel like I've been slacking on my end of the bargain. He made a couple posts, gave us a Twitter account (@saulgoodinc), and has basically been putting in work. I really wanted this blog to happen. Thanks to Marcus Darpino and the boys at Mental Poison Live (@MentalPoisonRAD), our Facebook page has a respectable number of followers. We're still getting our feet wet with the Twitter page. Also, we have just under 20 followers on the blog. Some are friends, others are mutual Mental Poison people (friends, too), and the rest, I'm assuming, are just people from cyberspace. We're not even remotely at the level that we want to be at, but for those of you that stick around; as ever, thanks.

SO, I want to apologize for starting a blog, getting everyone hype for it, and then posting monthly. That shit will not fly anymore. I have excuses - i.e. school, eating pussy, drinking, procrastinating; but like the title, it is inexcusable, and won't happen again.

With that stated, I might as well let you know what's been up with me since I last checked in.

1. I broke up with my girlfriend. It's cool.
2. I campaigned for the 7th district assembly in Burlington County, NJ. Not because I'm even remotely political, but because they got this guy off the street and offered him a temporary job.
3. I ran out of money. Like, I count change every night so I can afford a 40 of Steel Reserve.
4. The Philadelphia Eagles are abysmal. It's to the point where I'd rather spend my Sunday watching women's professional anything.
5. I'm just about done my semester. I have great hopes that I'll have enough credits for my degree, which I'll be receiving in May of next year. Far and away my most noble accomplishment.
6. I'm sure there's a bunch of other shit worth noting; but let's be honest, it's shit nobody cares about. SO, I bring you to the highest point of the past month or so...

7. This mustache.

Notoriously known as a thoughtless prick, I decided to do something good in my life, for a change, and grow a mustache for entire month of November. "Movember", as it's called, is a worldwide phenomenon that features men in teams growing mustaches in hopes of raising money for prostate cancer research and various other health issues. As stated, I'm broke, so I raised
$0.00; however, I'm going to
neglect that and just say that it's the
thought that counts.

I've been eager to write this post and I'm glad I finally did. You can expect more to come. LOBO has been deeply philosophical with his posts, and I have just been writing about how much of an asshole I am. Though both formulas work for us, respectively, I think next time around I'm going to try and bring the funny. SO, in the meantime, stick around on Facebook- I'll be sure to share some funny pictures with you, follow us on Twitter, and ya know, thanks for the continued support.

Yours,

YAYO

@saulgoodinc
@MentalPoisonRAD
www.facebook.com/SaulGoodInc

The Best Defense is a Good Offense





I don't know where in the fuck this other glove is.

Granted, I've been awake for 72 hours straight, but I'm still pretty sure I packed it in the bag. I may only vaguely remember that shit, but it's enough that I believe it. However, I can't seem to locate this motherfucker while swerving through traffic on the highway. So I strap on my remaining thriller-glove, light a cigar and dance in my rearview mirror while flipping digits at every sorry human being I habitually cut the fuck off in traffic. Yeah, they have lives too, but I'm conducting technological orchestras on my phone over here... while grossly endangering their pathetic lives.

My bad I guess, I'm extremely impatient and forgetful. If I wanna write this shit down, you can die...I could give a fuck. Besides, I'm like James Goddamn Motherfuckin' Bond behind a wheel. Shooting gaps, J-turns and all kinds of other shit. Trust me, they're safe as long as they don't try to fuck up what I'm doing. I'm usually very considerate on the road...probably because I force myself to just chill out and not explode....with some of the most expertly beautiful road-rage typically executed by me. I am somewhat of an artist with that shit.

In the majority of my time on the road, I witness large amounts of other people just being dicks. The thing is, I'll never encounter most of those people on the road ever again. So, they totally get away with it. I embrace that. It's why I participate in that statistic on a regular basis. What the fuck is going to stop me if I'm fairly sure I'll get away with it? Nah, I'm gonna get mine too. I will cut your shit off this road...like, dangerously. I'll never see you again. Which also why I drooled a little bit while I was blatantly staring at your wife's miraculous rack (for real, it got that close). The fuck what you think, I will get away with this.

Give me a break though. It was a long weekend full of shit, fun, violence, alcohol, and other...

Now I'm home and bored. I think the best way to kill some time is to go fuck my hand like I paid for the night. I'ma beat my dick. I'ma beat my dick. Then make a sandwich at some point.

Magic me up some bitches. This mothafucker's on fire.

-"You should probably change up the whole crazy-ass hair and beard. Bitches are almost more frightened than intrigued. It looks kinda Manson-ish."

-"But... like... a sexy Manson, right?"